


Who Are You

by manyfrogs



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-04-21 10:17:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4825184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manyfrogs/pseuds/manyfrogs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“so this is gonna sound really weird right now but i made a deal to save your life but at the cost of all of your memories of us together and i’m acting like i’m not bothered but i’m dying inside” au</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who are you?

“Who are you”

Michael felt as though his chest had fallen in and crushed his heart, his lungs expelling a painful wheeze against his will. Looking into the brown eyes that gazed up at him in true confusion he had to prevent tears from welling up in his eyes. What did he expect.

“I’m Michael.” He said after a minute of deliberation. How was he supposed to explain everything without sounding like a madman, how exactly can someone explain the situation he was in right now. Was he supposed to just slip it into conversation? - ‘oh by the way, you’ve known me for years, we’re in love, I traded all your memories for your life’. His stream of thought was cut off by Ray’s voice again, saving him from delving into further worrying.

“Hello Michael. Uh- I mean- Sorry, who are you? Do I know you? And why exactly are you in my apartment?”

Every word was like a stab to the heart, he really truly had no idea who Michael was. Taking Ray’s hand, and noticing the startled look in his eyes as he did so, Michael began to explain as slowly and unemotionally as possible.

“Well, okay, this is going to sound really weird, and I mean like really, really weird” Michael let out a nervous chuckle, running his free hand through his hair which was already standing on end from the constant anxious fiddling. “About a year ago you were diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And, uh, you were given 13 months to live. 

Seeing Ray’s frown out of the corner of his eye, Michael focused his eyes on the stark white sheets that he had put on their bed this morning in preparation for Ray’s awakening. He desperately wanted to avoid any and all eye contact, fearing seeing Ray’s emotions so clearly would cause him to break down. So he cast aside any worries about Ray for the time being, wanting to focus on keeping himself together.

“And well, knowing me, which I suppose you don’t really… well anyway, I wasn’t gonna stand for that. No fucking way. So, I sought out a lady who said she could help me, some horrible old crone - crooked and warty nose, the whole deal.” Michael paused and gave a wry grin when he heard Ray’s little snort of amusement. “And I asked her how she could help you, how she could keep you alive, you know? And I fully expected her to laugh in my face, send me away, or you know ask me for my life or the blood of my first born or some shit like that. But no, she told me she could help you.”

He took in a huge gulp of air, wanting to brace both himself and Ray before he told him what he had to trade for Ray’s life.

“She, uh, she wanted your memories. More specifically, your memories of me. And she followed through I guess, I mean you’re here, and alive, and uh yeah, you don’t remember me.”

“Wow. You must be some friend to sacrifice all that for me, man.” Was Ray’s calculated response. Michael recognised that tone, Ray was struggling to comprehend what the hell was going on but was really trying. That didn’t stop the word ‘friend’ from hurting though.

“The best.” Forcing a smile Michael nodded. He would take this one step at a time. “So what do you remember dude?”

“Friends wise? Um, someone called Gavin, British guy, loud, weird hair.” Looking up to see Michael’s encouraging nod and smile he continued with more confidence. “Ryan, a bit creepy, not really anymore to say there. Geoff, tattoos, Jack, beard. Uh, we all met in high school. Is that where I met you?”

“No, you met me before then. We went to middle school together before going onto the same high school, where we met those guys. I met Gav, and introduced him and the other guys to you on our first day.”

“Weird, I have no memory of that, in my mind I met Gavin at lunch after he tripped over his own foot right in front of me.” Ray looked at Michael as he let out his first genuine laugh of the conversation.

“Yes he did do that, though I had met him already in my second period.” Michael’s eyes glazed over with the reminder of the happy memory, grinning to himself. Shaking himself out of his trance, he refocused on Ray in front of him. Smiling lazily at him he continued their conversation. “We’ve been best friends since forever, we actually live together now.”

“No way dude, that's awesome I’ve always wanted to live with my best friend! So what video games do you like?”

Laughing, and ignoring the pain in his chest that appeared with the reference to him as Ray’s best friend, Michael rolled his eyes at the typical question from Ray. Standing up, he just beckoned to Ray, who eagerly followed him towards their lounge where their impressive video game collection was kept. Pointing towards the alphabetised tall shelves to the left of the large TV screen Michael explained that there was where Ray kept his games. Turning to the right side of the TV he pointed again at his collection, strewn on the shelves were a mess of video games, empty cases and scratched discs that were carelessly thrown in the nearest empty space. Michael watched in amusement as Ray’s approving gaze turned towards Michael’s shelf and distorted into utter horror at the lack of care for his video games that was displayed.

“Don’t bother.” Michael said, watching Ray start towards his shelf with the intention of tidying. “It’ll return to that state in about half an hour after you tidy it.”

“How do I live with you? That is disgusting.”

“I guess you lov- uh, like me for more than my cleanliness.” Closing his eyes at his obvious voice break and correction Michael chose to turn around and head towards the kitchen rather than see Ray’s reaction. “Do you want coffee?”

“Nah, I’m good”

Closing the door to the kitchen behind him, Michael slid down to the floor with his head in his hands desperately trying to keep the tears in. Running his hands through his hands for what felt like the hundredth time in an hour he tugged when he reached the end. The searing pain in his scalp centered him, and despite the tears it brought to his eyes he felt much more in control. He had no idea how he was going to survive the rest of his life with Ray not knowing how much he loved him. Their relationship of almost eight years now, let alone the 13 years of friendship they shared, was lost, and whilst Michael reveled in the chance of relearning everything about his favourite person, it hurt his heart to know that he meant next to nothing to the same person.

He stayed hunched against the door until he heard Ray’s gentle knocking from the other side, rubbing his hand over his eyes he stood to open the door. 

“Hey Ray I’ve been thinking, it might be easier for you if you’re alone tonight. I’m going to go stay at a friends for the night. I’ll leave my number and that way you can call me if you need me, but I’ll be back in the morning anyway okay?”

Ray nodded in startled agreement, and Michael took this as his cue to leave as rapidly as he could, knocking shoulders in his rush to leave the apartment. Pulling out his phone he dialed number 2 on his speed dial.

“Hello?”

“Hi Lindsay, I’m headed to yours. This was harder than I thought it would be.” Hearing her sympathetic reply he hung up the phone, jamming his key in the ignition and breaking down in tears for the first time that day.


	2. Where Are You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “so this is gonna sound really weird right now but i made a deal to save your life but at the cost of all of your memories of us together and i’m acting like i’m not bothered but i’m dying inside” au

There was no one home when he got to Lindsay’s apartment. Presumably because he had embarrassingly spent near to half an hour in the parking lot crying his eyes out. He realised that seeing Ray in the state he was in would be hard, but thought it would be better than watching the life be sucked out of him slowly. Better of two evils he supposed, yet at times like this he regretted the decision, which made him feel even worse. 

He opened the door to the apartment, hoping Lindsay wouldn’t mind Michael letting himself in, and threw himself onto her sofa. Curling up into a foetal position he reached for the remote and turned the TV onto some mind-numbing sitcom that he paid next to no attention to. He laid there for hours, only stirring when Lindsay returned, only pausing to close the door behind her softly before pouncing towards Michael. 

“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Of course you aren’t, I’m asking stupid questions aren’t I? What can I do to help?”

“Jesus Linds, take a breath. I don’t think I could handle losing another person I care about just because you forgot how to breathe.”

“I know that was meant to be funny, but shut up Jones. Why are you here? Talk to me, seriously.” Lindsay’s frown at his sense of humour melted into a concerned grimace as she looked at Michael in sympathy.

Michael pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and hugging himself into his slumped shoulders. Placing his forehead on his knees hiding his eyes that were slowly clouding over with tears.

“Why is this so hard Lindsay? I thought it would be easier, I mean at least he’s alive. But every time I look at him I get this pain in my chest and a headache that just won’t go away. I can’t stand this anymore. I just don’t want to have to pretend around him.” Growing angrier as he spoke he drew his head back to look Lindsay in the eyes before throwing his head back down, banging it against his knees repeatedly. “It’s all my fault Lindsay. Why did I have to get involved in his stupid life, I should have walked away, left him to recover in ignorance. I’m so stupid. So selfish.” With these words he finally let the tears escape, his body convulsing in sobs that felt as though they might split his body in two.

Lindsay looked upon her devastated friend with shock and confusion. He was hardly one to hide his emotions yet never in her years of knowing Michael had she known him like this. Angry Michael was a regular occurrence, drunk Michael was something she found relatively easy to manage (practice makes perfect she supposed), even sad Michael she had learnt to deal with. Yet this was something more than sadness, this, she supposed, was utter heartbreak that he was experiencing. She swallowed down her own sadness, despite feeling as though she might cry also, and moved so that she was curled protectively around Michael.

“It’s not your fault Michael. It’s not. Please listen to me.” She continued to whisper comforts into his ear until her voice went hoarse and Michael ran out of tears.

“I’m sorry Lindsay. Ugh, I look and sound gross. how do you put up with me.” She laughed with him and grabbed his hand to pull him up and to the bathroom.

“Shower. Then we can get pizza and play xbox, I’ll go order.” Michael watched her as she started humming to herself, patting her stomach. He smiled at her fondly, shaking his head at how quickly she could change her mood. Wiping his face and grimacing at the wetness he felt there he stretched his body, aching from being hunched over. Feeling his back pop he turned the temperature of the shower up as far as the dial would go he stepped into the shower. As the drops of water fell heavily on his reddening skin he ignored the scalding burn he felt over himself in favour of feeling heavy embarrassment for breaking down on Lindsay. 

He was glad the overly warm water had made his face glow red, as he could feel the heat coming from his cheeks in humiliation. Wrapping a towel round his waist he felt a sense of deja-vu emerging from the bathroom, except this time as he left the bathroom he was not greeted by the image of a gently lazing Ray spread over their bed. Shaking his head to rid himself of those thoughts he followed the smell of pizza into Lindsay’s small yet comfortable kitchen.

“That’d better be pepperoni.”

“Of course it is. Well, half and half. I fancied chicken.” She grinned as she said this bringing a slice up to her mouth and taking a large bite.

Smirking, Michael mimicked her movements but with a slice of pepperoni, savouring the greasy slice in a rush of pleasure he hadn’t experienced in a while.

“Go put some clothes on, I would like to keep my appetite thanks.” Michael laughed before going back into the bathroom and changing before rejoining her.

They sat at Lindsay’s counter slowly making their way through the pizza, making meaningless small talk until they felt their stomachs protrude with how full they felt. Slowly they made their way over to the TV where the xbox was plugged in, and played the last game left in the disc drive. As the hours passed they sat in silence, the comfort of their long shared friendship meaning they felt no need to fill the hours with meaningless conversation.

That shared peace was interrupted by the piercing tone of Michael’s obnoxious ringtone, Lindsay let out a chuckle at the My Little Pony theme whilst shaking her head.

“Who is calling you at 2 in the morning Michael? Kindly tell them to piss off and go to bed. They’re interrupting our quality bonding time. Oh and if it’s Gavin tell him to stop calling you when he gets drunk, he needs to learn to look after himself.”

Rolling his eyes at Lindsay who hadn’t even broken eye contact with the screen when talking, Michael picked up the phone and grunted into the phone in way of greeting.

“Um, hi is Michael there?” Michael shot up as he recognised the voice instantly.

“Ray? What’s up? Are you okay?”

“Dude chill.” Ray responded with a breathy laugh “I’m okay, but, uh, where are you? I don’t wanna sound needy or anything but being alone right now is a bit nerve wracking.” Ray gave another nervous laugh and Michael closed his eyes and pressed his lips together into a thin line.

“Of course man, didn’t expect you to jump into this feeling totally normal about it. I’m just at my friend’s right now I’ll make my way home as soon as I can, okay?” Pinching the bridge of his nose, Michael felt annoyance at the total pushover he became when it came to Ray. Lindsay caught his eye, finally tearing herself away from the game at the mention of Michael leaving, and cast him a questioning look.

“Thanks man.” He heard the relief in Ray’s tone and instantly felt the warmth spread to his chest at the idea that he had made Ray even the tiniest bit happy, before squashing it down in the fear of giving himself false hope.

“Sure, hey, what are friends for?” Pressing his palm to his forehead he hung up the phone, feeling the negative feelings from earlier in the evening return at the reminder that they were just that - friends. As his negative feelings warped themselves into anger he felt himself lash out before he could help it, punching the wall nearest to him, causing Lindsay to shriek. 

“Michael! You idiot! Look you’re bleeding now. You have got to get your anger under control one of these days.” Michael merely cast Lindsay a look that told her exactly how much she wasn’t helping, and shrugged off the pain that seeped into his knuckles.

“You and I both know that I have done far worse to myself in these bursts of anger, and anyway I need to get back home. Ray isn’t feeling comfortable in his current state I suppose, I should probably be there for him.”

Lindsay nodded her agreement.

“I’ll call you in the morning, okay?”

“Sure, just don’t let yourself get hurt Michael. Or I’ll kick your ass.”

Smiling at her, he threw on his coat and left the apartment as slowly as he could, wanting to savour the normalcy of the night as much as possible before returning to the apartment where he knew he would be overwhelmed by emotion once again. The roads were, as expected for 2am, quiet and it took no time at all for Michael to find himself sitting in the parking lot opposite his complex once again. Taking a deep breath he steeled himself before opening the car door and stepping out. He felt ridiculous. This was his own apartment, and he was scared to go in.

“Fuck it.” He murmured to himself, starting forward towards their apartment. No use standing outside in the chill of the early hours of the morning mourning what once was.

He turned the key in the door and opened it as quietly as he could, hoping Ray was asleep, and sighed audibly in relief as he saw Ray stretched out on the sofa, fast asleep. He felt his heart fill as he looked upon the healthy form of his love. He had spent much too long looking at Ray in fear as all he saw were sallow eyes, and a thinning, pale face. The cancer had not been kind to him, attacking him as aggressively as possible, and despite Ray’s refusal to give up on life, it sucked as much out of him as possible. The chemotherapy had been equally as cruel, his hair the first noticeable thing to go, the last his fighting spirit, he had all but given up by the end of the months he had left. Michael had enough fight in him for the both of them however. He had forced Ray to chemo appointments, to fancy dinners out, everything and anything that might make him better, or at least feel comforted.

Now he looked at Ray’s full face, that had regained its healthy glow - although he was still shockingly caucasian for a Puerto Rican in his words. Michael could almost feel the hearts that danced around his head as he stared at Ray. They were soulmates, this he knew. He reached forwards, scooping Ray up bridal style, and began to carry him towards their bedroom. He reveled in the weight he felt in his arms, compared to the last year of carrying Ray as if he weighed no more than a pillow. 

He set him down gently in the middle of the generous double bed, pulling the covers up to Ray’s chin in an act of protectiveness. Michael lay his forehead on Ray’s for a moment before pulling up and placing a kiss where he had just broken their contact. He let one lone tear escape, conflicting emotions of relief and happiness versus the overwhelming regret and sadness bubbling up inside him. Before he left the room he grabbed one of the pillows from Ray’s side of the bed, tucking it under his arm and heading towards the sofa that he had just removed Ray from.

“Sleep well, love” He whispered as he turned the lights in their room out, closing the door as softly as he could manage, wiping that stray tear from his cheek.

Throwing the pillow down, he threw himself onto the sofa also, feeling as though he might collapse if he stayed standing much longer. Shoving his face into the pillow, he inhaled the scent of Ray that the pillow had picked up over the years, letting the familiar, homely scent draw him into a deep sleep.


	3. What are you?

What are you

 

Waking in the morning was an unpleasant experience. He had slept in an uncomfortable position, the sofa was never a comfy place to sleep, and he had only had about 4 hours of sleep in the first place. Willing away his bad mood he dragged himself into the kitchen, turning on the high tech coffee machine that had been one of the first, and the best investments the couple had made. Yawning, he popped his back and stretched out his neck, glancing at the clock and groaning as he saw the time. It was just past 7am, and he has absolutely no plans for the day. Sighing as he realised he had promised to call Lindsay he picked his phone up from the counter he had thrown it on last night and dialed her number.

 

“Hi Michael!”

 

“Why the fuck are you so cheery. It’s seven fucking am.” Michael scowled at the coffee machine as it spewed out the drink, wrapping his hands around the mug, holding the phone in place with his shoulder. He longed for the mornings where Ray would join him in this position, wrapping his arms around Michael’s waist and kissing him on the cheek.

 

“Yes, well, some of us have jobs, and the pet store want me in at 8am every morning so I’ve gotta live with it. Plus I’ve had two and a half cups of coffee already.” She let out a high pitched giggle that Michael found himself echoing, much to his annoyance.

 

“Anyway, when I got back last night Ray was asleep on the sofa. So I mean it was no big deal. I just put him to bed and passed out on the sofa.”

 

“Mm, what are you gonna do about the by the way? You can’t sleep on the sofa for the rest of your life. I mean Ray may be a bit oblivious, but he might notice that it is only a one bedroom apartment at some point.”

 

“Fuck. I hadn’t even thought about that. Fuck, Lindsay what am I supposed to do?” He hit his head on the cupboard as he swore, feeling anger boiling up within him. He was prevented from punching another wall however by the sound of the bedroom door opening. He schooled his face so that he was more composed. “Lindsay, he’s getting up now oh shit. Help.”

 

“Calm down you idiot.” Michael smiled as the insult actually helped him to feel more stable. “Look, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen, just be normal, make him breakfast or some shit.”

 

“I’m not sure I’m ready to sit down for a meal with him, what would I say?!” Michael became more hushed as he heard footsteps approaching the kitchen. “Anyway don’t you have to get to work Lindsay? Wouldn’t want to keep you from those poor animals.”

 

Michael looked up at the door and met eyes with Ray, giving him a short nod and a wry smile, before going back to staring into his coffee mug.

 

“Oh shit, yeah I only have ten minutes. Anyway good to talk to you, call me if you need me okay? I’ll try and get back to you as soon as I can. Okay? Bye, love ya!”

 

“Yeah, love you too, whatever, bye.” He grumbled in response, snorting before chucking his phone back on the counter, not caring if it broke.

 

“Girlfriend?” Michael almost choked on the gulp of coffee he had just taken at the innocent question Ray had asked.

 

“Uh, no way. It was Lindsay. I don’t know if you know her really because the only way you’d know her is through me really, but she’s like my best friend. Or, well, more of a sister. Huge pain in the ass.” He smiled fondly into his mug, thinking of how much he valued Lindsay’s friendship, especially the support she had given him in the past year.

 

“You seem close. And no, I don’t know her. I think?”

 

“Don’t worry about it, don’t try and strain yourself to remember. Toast?” Michael offered despite knowing of Ray’s distaste for toast and preference for cereal.

 

“Nah, I’ll have some cereal thanks.” Containing his snort at the predictable answer Michael pulled open the cupboard that contained their impressive cereal collection, making a ‘help yourself’ motion.

 

His ringtone made Michael groan, hoping to hell it was anyone but Gavin. Picking up the phone he held it a cautious distance from his ear, and was grateful for this when he heard the voice come out.

 

“My boiiiii, how are you!!!!”

 

“Gavin, shut the fuck up it’s early in the morning, what is wrong with you?” Michael hung his head, tempted to hang up the phone right away, already regretting picking up.

 

“Oi, I just wanted to check in on you, you up for bevs tonight?” Gavin’s voice took on a more gentle tone as he asked the question. “Ray could come too? I mean, do you think he would be up to that?”

 

“No, I don’t think so Gavin. Sorry, I was up until almost 3 last night so I’m shattered. And I feel as though he might not be up to that yet, or maybe he will be but I don’t want to have that conversation with him.” Ray looked up and gave him a sharp look at that comment, and Michael avoided eye contact with him as much as possible.

 

“Oh, okay Michael. Let me know if you change your mind though, yeah?”

 

“Course I will, boi.” Michael felt a little bit of shame at turning Gavin down so rapidly. He hadn’t spent nearly as much time with his friend since Ray had become ill as he used to. “I’ll call you later, and if you’re looking for a drinking buddy then I’m more than sure Lindsay will be up for it.”

 

“Ooh, top idea! Dunno why I didn’t think of her before, good old Lindsay is up for anything. I’ll call her now, bye Michael.”

 

Michael blinked at the rapid goodbye, and heard the call disconnect before he had the chance to response. Chuckling at Gavin’s typical behaviour, Michael aimed his grin at Ray, feeling lighter and happier already. Draining the last of his coffee he rose from his chair and put his mug in the sink.

 

“I’m gonna go shower.” He waited for Ray to nod before heading towards the bathroom. He hummed to himself as he undressed, stepping under the shower head, closing his eyes he reflected on the fact that he didn’t feel like ripping his heart out for the first time in weeks. Maybe he was getting better. Or maybe he was just deprived of sleep and in a giddy mood. Who knew? Probably the sleep deprivation though.

 

Seeing that his half of the cheesily monogrammed towels, that had his and Ray’s initials on one each, was missing he grabbed the one with the cursive ‘R’ on it. As he wrapped it loosely around his waist he scoffed at the typicality of Geoff to get them the present, just to wind the two of them up. Jokes on him, the towels were soft as shit.

 

“What are you?”

 

The question startled him. Michael glanced up to the mirror to see Ray standing behind him in the doorway holding a small rectangle.

 

“What the fuck does that even mean, dude? I mean, I really don’t know what that means.” Michael chuckled, frowning at Ray’s reflection.

 

Ray didn’t respond, instead offering the rectangle in his hands to Michael, which Michael recognised to be a photo frame. Fuck. He thought he had hidden them all fairly well… except the one he had put in an empty cereal box. Of course! How could he be so stupid. He snatched the frame from Ray, hoping that it was a photo of them mucking about with Gav, or even a photo of just the two of them on the xbox. Turning it towards himself, he cursed his luck as he looked at his favourite picture of Ray and himself. In the forefront of the image was Ray’s left hand, looking like an attempt to push away the photographer (a rather drunk Geoff), and in the background was a grinning Michael with his arms around Ray’s waist, laughing at something beyond his shoulder. All in all, it would have been an innocent picture, Michael could easily claim that he was drunk, or just feeling particularly touchy-feely, or both. If not for the black band that was worn on Ray’s ring finger, as he clearly showed it off to the camera. Michael knew that if Ray looked closely at the picture he would see an identical ring on Michael’s finger also.

 

“Michael? What are you, to me? What are we?” Ray’s voice rose in pitch with each question, clearly beginning to panic. “Are we married? Have I forgotten my husband? Oh my god, am I gay?”

 

“Uh -”

 

“Oh great that clears things up so much, thank you.” Ray’s response was both an annoyance and a reminder to Michael of their old bickering. Against his will he felt his familiar rage seep through.

 

“Let me finish, asshole.” Seeing Ray shrink at this response, he adjusted his tone. “Okay well, in response to your questions: not exactly gay, but bisexual yes, uh no you haven’t forgotten your husband, mostly because you haven’t got one. At least I hope not.”

 

Ray let out a small smile at Michael’s attempt at humour. “So explain this. Please.”

 

“Well, we aren’t married, but we had hoped to get married. That photo is from the night I proposed. We didn’t have the time, or the money to marry after your diagnosis.” As he spoke Michael pulled out the chain that had both of their rings on it from where it lay on his bare chest. “These are our rings, obviously.”

 

“Why did you hide this from me?”

 

“How was I supposed to tell you? Hi Ray, I know you don’t know who I am, but I love you, I’m your fiance, and we were hoping to have a spring wedding. I would sound insane!” He threw his arms out, letting the photo frame fall to the floor, a voice in the back of his mind hoping that it hadn’t broken in the fall.

 

“What, and going with ‘hi Ray I traded your memories for your life’ isn’t insane?!”

 

“Well no! I don’t know! Do you have any idea how hard this has been on me? The pain it causes me to look at you dying for almost a year, and then when you recover you have no idea who I am! This has been my living hell, and despite how much I tried, I just can’t hate you. How - how could I? God, I’m such a mess.” Michael’s voice broke as his anger faded into a broken feeling that enveloped him, sinking to his knees he couldn’t bear to look up to Ray’s face.

 

“Yeah well I’m sorry that me getting cancer and not remembering you has been so hard for _you_.” The pure spite in Ray’s voice made Michael’s insides feel as though they had turned to liquid, and felt a similar feeling rise in his throat. He knew he was being selfish, but to have Ray turn this against him felt like a punch to the jugular, and winded him. “I think you should leave. Now.”

 

Michael was not expecting that.

 

“But where do I go? I live here. With you. Please Ray, please don’t do this. I’m so sorry, we can go back to being just friends, anything, just please don’t hate me.”

  
“I’m going out. Please be gone when I get back.” With these words Ray turned and left the apartment, and Michael, without a second glance. 


	4. How are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took forever with this, and its so short ahhh

“Hey Gavin? You still up for those drinks later?” He croaked into his phone.

“Michael? How are you? You sound shit. But yeah absolutely! What made you change your mind?”

“Nothing, nothing. Invite all the others. Ray won’t want to come, but why not make it a full gathering, eh?” 

“Sure boi! Lindsay and I will meet you outside your apartment at six, yeah?”

“Ah, don’t worry about it, I’m headed over to Lindsay’s now so we’ll meet at yours.”

“Isn’t she at work f- oh never mind. Awesome see you later Mikey!” Before Michael could even begin to grow angry at the nickname Gavin had hung up. Still lying on the floor of the bathroom he dragged himself over to the picture frame that had fallen to one side whilst he and Ray fought. He flinched when he saw small shards of glass surrounding the wood, and carelessly grabbed the photo itself, uncaring of the small knicks that decorated his hands after dragging them over the shards. Seeing the photo itself reasonably undamaged, aside from a small bend, he heaved out a sigh of relief. He felt anger build up in him, and the urge to rip the photo into unrecognisable pieces crept upon him, although his common sense prevented him from carrying out the act. 

Realisation that he was naked aside from the towel that was loosely on his hips dawned upon him, and he pushed himself up from the floor. As he did so the glass was crushed into the palms of his hands, embedding themselves or opening larger cuts. He disregarded this, almost pleased for the feeling after the horrible sensation of numbness that consumed him. Grabbing the nearest outfit, the outfit he had worn yesterday, he pulled a backpack towards himself. In it he put the photo, sandwiched between pages of a stray book that was on the counter to keep it safe, his phone, a change of t-shirt and underwear. In a last minute act of impulse he took the pillow that he had slept on the previous night - Ray’s pillow. He didn’t need anything else

He cried as he left the apartment. He had no idea how long it would be before Ray accepted him back, or if he even would take him back. He had lost feeling in his limbs, and his heart ached with the loss. He had never experienced the pain of a breakup before.. not really. Ray was his highschool sweetheart and they hadn't ever been apart since then, naturally they had their ups and downs, but nothing severe enough to warrant them separating. Until now he supposed.

So he cried. He cried on the way to his car, he cried in his car on the short trip to Lindsay's, and cried as he made his way up the steps to her apartment. Yet when he got to her welcoming home he felt empty. Desperately sobbing, in hopes something would come out, he felt pain as his chest heaved with the strain and his eyes ached at their newfound dryness. 

So then he sat. Staring at the off-white wall, sitting on the the floor; despondent, willing himself to feel something.

"Michael? What are you doing here?"

No response. What would he say.

"Michael? Answer me you idiot." Lindsay sounded concerned, her friend usually hard to prevent from talking.

"Ray left me."

"Fuck. Michael I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?" She sounded sorry, but Michael didn't care. He didn't care about anything at the moment.

"Can we go get drunk now?" He said, standing and shaking his head as if to clear thoughts from his mind.

"Do you think that's best righ-"

"Yes. Gav is waiting." He cut her off harshly and opened the door before walking out of the apartment complex without any further conversation. 

He was greeted by the stark lighting of the bar and the overwhelming noise of others chattering amongst themselves, but most noticeably he heard the shrill tones of Gavin as he yelled out Michael’s name. Rubbing his open palm across his forehead and eyes, Lindsay took his hand and lead him towards the table in the furthermost corner. He felt a wave of calm and happiness wash over him, mostly relief at seeing a table of friendly, open faces.  


And so he drank. A lot.


	5. How are you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit!!!! Sorry this took me so long to post!!!!

_ ‘How are you feeling?’ _

 

_ ‘How do you think, asshole?’ _

 

_ Michael grinned despite the nerves that were causing his stomach to turn over as he cast his eyes away from the road onto his boyfriend, who was currently trying to hide in his hoodie in the passenger seat. All he could see of him were the little tufts of black hair that peaked out the oversized purple hood. Feeling his heart swell with love at seeing Ray so vulnerable and young-looking he reached his hand over and clasped Ray’s slim and cold fingers with his, giving his best comforting smile when Ray’s head lifted to glance at him. _

 

_ ‘Stop it Michael. I don’t need comforting.’ A sentiment that was somewhat contradicted by the short squeeze of their hands and Ray’s grateful smile. _

 

_ ‘Well in that case Narvaez, tell me how we get to this fucking hospital. I swear we passed that McDonalds 3 minutes ago, for the third time.’ _

 

_ ‘Don’t be stupid. Okay, it should be the next right and then after that it should be on the right again, and I mean even you could spot a massive hospital so I’ll leave it at that.’ With that he shrunk back into his hoodie, seeming to sink back into the car seat. Michael worried his lip with his front teeth, his concern for Ray feeling close to boiling point as the hospital grew closer. It was his first chemotherapy appointment today, and no amount of research into the side affects and how it would work had comforted him enough to put down his worries for Ray. Chances are Ray would just be incredibly tired and grumpy, but the irrational part of Michael’s mind seemed to take over when his boyfriend was involved. _

 

_ He insisted on opening Ray’s car door from him, gripping him by the waist and pulling him as close as he could. He only separated from him when he let Ray take a seat in the waiting room as he walked to the lady at the reception desk - Ray’s grumbling following him. _

 

Michael turned over on Lindsay’s spare mattress, subconsciously reaching out for a person who wasn’t there, shivering in the absence of the shared heat he was used to. Bleary eyes looked towards the luminous lights of the analogue clock that was on the shelf bordering the spare room. Grunting as he saw that it was only four in the morning, and wincing as his own grunt caused his head to throb in pain, he turned so his face was pushed into the pillow willing himself to go back to sleep. Hangovers were never fun, and in addition to that he wasn’t even in his own bed, let alone his own apartment. He let out a gasp that made his chest hurt, screwing up his eyes at the slight early morning light that filtered through the gaps in the blind.

 

Michael used to live for early mornings like this, with a tang of alcohol in his throat and a headache of memories of the night before that would fade before the sun rose, he would sit in the dusky light, enjoying the silence. It was mornings like that when Ray would wrap his arms around Michael’s waist and hum into his ear, coaxing him back into bed, where they would lay in silence, appreciating their shared company. It was always so easy. Yet here he was on a similar morning, alone, and breathing heavily into a pillow that smelt of the person he wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch. So with nothing to stay awake for, he went back to sleep.

 

_ ‘Mikey, are you still there?’ _

 

_ Michael jolted from his armchair, ignoring the nickname he hated so much from anyone else’s lips, and threw himself towards Ray. Getting down on his knees, he faced Ray in the hospital bed, hesitant to touch him, fearing that he might harm him. Letting a few tears of relief and sadness escape his eyes before steeling himself, Michael wiped his face before reaching forward to cup Ray’s cheek, staring at his face. _

 

_ ‘Of course I am, I’ll be here as long as you need me.’ Speaking unusually softly, careful to avoid agitating the killer headache that Michael was sure Ray had developing.  _

 

_ ‘Thank you Mikey, I’m so glad you’re here, so glad.’ Michael watched as Ray yawned and widened his eyes as if willing himself to stay awake. ‘Thank you for sticking with me through all this. I owe you so much.’ _

 

_ Michael willed himself not to cry at those last words. ‘You owe me nothing, nothing in the world could ever mean as much to me as you by my side, Ray. I - I love you so much godammit, I’m so sorry this ever had to happen to us.’ _

 

_ He lay his head by Ray’s hip, not finding the strength to look him in the eyes and face reality. They both knew what was happening. Ray’s earlier surgery had been unsuccessful, what was supposed to be a routine biopsy left surgeons in the operating room for over four hours as they tried to remove a tumour that had developed, and spread. They had left Michael in the waiting room for six hours before they allowed him to see Ray, and explained to him the chances of survival - next to none.  _

 

_ ‘I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have a house in the suburbs with a stupid dog, and a huge-ass garden, and we would argue every evening like every dumb middle aged couple in the suburbs. And we would have a shed in the garden for Gavin of course, because the asshole could never survive without seeing us every day. We would be so happy. I just had to go and fuck it up didn’t I?’ Ray said that last sentence with a self-deprecating laugh, but kept a sappy smile on his face, eyes focused beyond reality, submerged in his fantasy of the future that would never happen. Michael gave into the tears, letting them stream down his face unimpeded. He climbed into the bed with Ray, ignoring the numerous wires and catheters that littered Ray, knowing they would be no use to him now, and instead curling himself into his boyfriend’s chest.  _

 

_ ‘I’m going to miss you so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.’  _

 

_ Ray’s chest shook as he contained his own despair. He had never been afraid of death, it was what he left behind that scared him, he was afraid for Michael and how he would take Ray’s death, how he might hate Ray for leaving him behind. He had never been so afraid in his life, and he almost hated Michael for causing so much emotion, for making everything so real. But he loved him, more than he could have ever imagined loving anything (other than his xbox of course), and so he told him so.  _

 

_ ‘I love you. You need to leave me, leave this bloody hospital that I know both of us are bored of now. Go home, get some sleep, then come visit me in the morning.’ _

 

_ Though stubborn, Michael knew better than to argue with a dying man. He left for the evening returning the next morning and repeating the cycle for days. Days turned into weeks, as he watched the love of his life slowly die before him unable to help as Ray became slim, withdrawn and pale. He was losing hope until he met the witch.  _

 

This time when Michael woke he was greeted by a wet pillow, and a pair of shaking hands. His blurred vision due to tears rather than tiredness this time he glanced towards the clock, glad that it was almost 12 o’clock now. He was surprised he hadn’t been woken by Lindsay. He checked his phone for any messages, not fully expecting any, perhaps a text from Gavin about last night, but nothing important. So it was with no disappointment that he looked at the empty lock screen of his phone, not seeing anything but his wallpaper - grateful that he had the foresight to change to a picture of something other than Ray. With that, he decided to stay in bed for the remainder of the day, closing his stinging eyes.

 

He was woken from his thankfully dreamless sleep by Lindsay’s front door slamming open.

 

‘Guess who got Chinese!’ Came the shout, probably from the kitchen.

 

Michael grunted, burying himself further in the small cocoon he had created for himself out of blankets, feeling no regret at the fact he had stayed in bed all day. 

 

‘Michael, what the fuck.’ Lindsay didn’t sound surprised, not even adopting the exasperated tone that Michael was used to hearing directed towards him. Instead she sounded perfectly passive as she continued. ‘Get up you lazy shit, I have dumplings.’

  
Michael was surprised at the effect her tough love had on him, and he pulled himself from under the duvet with more ease than he expected, the realisation of how hungry he was making him speed up in his movements to the kitchen. Grabbing the dumplings, and swatting away Lindsay as she tried to take one, he sat on the counter, crossed his legs, and somehow felt at peace for a while. 


End file.
